Heart like a clam shell,
Bivalve clasped tight from hurt.
Calmer waters awaiting,
Pried apart by loneliness.
Yielding to his touch,
Entwined bodies making waves.
Soft insides willingly exposed,
Global oceans to explore.
United in love,
Connect pain and gain.
Carry home in the heart,
Ring rest on my breast.
Fears extinguished,
Lives stretching to infinity.
Symbiotic linkage,
Defying existence.
Anticipation sends shivers,
Fated moment has arrived.
Foreign feelings to consider,
Hoping it wasn’t lies.
Uncertain of progression,
Waiting for a sign.
Impressionable susceptibility,
Playbook getting written.
Blanks beg to be filled,
Information awaiting.
Answered questions to share,
Or buried deep as a secret.
Kiss and don’t tell,
Be gentle in the night.
Set the tone for forever,
In a moment’s burning light.
Maybe at death we will meet again,
When nothing remains but our souls.
Maybe you never really loved me at all,
But everything from me rang true.
The caravan is leaving now,
We’re all packed and moving along.
The road ahead is dark and winding,
Destination to foreign lands inviting.
Maybe we gave each other reason to live,
After that our connection extinguished.
Transaction complete, order received,
Rate the service then proceed.
I can’t stop loving you even though,
I don’t think I ever really knew you.
The truth eludes me when it comes to you,
But I know I meant it, my love was true.
His girlfriend was out of town traveling for work, so he decided to ask a different woman out on a date. He invited her over and pretended that he lived there alone. He explained that his “friend”, a successful tattoo artist, owned the place and let him stay there.
He could never afford to live in a place like that on his own, so he needed to have a plausible explanation. Plus, the space was filled with her art and books; it’s not like he could just erase her presence just because she was in a different state.
In his spare time, he liked to tinker with bikes. He showed his date pictures of beautiful landscapes that he encountered on his bike rides. He offered to take her there. “I have a bike that could fit you,” he said, thinking of his girlfriend’s bike. Her eyes lit up in delight, and he felt some unexpected guilt. Her guile and sincerity moved him.
He had sex with her anyway, and he was a perfect gentleman as he walked her to the train station the next morning. She kissed him on the lips and told him she’d see him later. He told her goodbye, her name leaving a residual sweetness on his tongue. As his eyes lingered over her departing figure, he knew he would never see her again.
We were in a long-distance relationship. He was visiting for five days. I wanted to give him fun, sexy memories for his return. So when the sex hurt, I said nothing.
He was pushing it in too far, too hard. It was too rough. My body is to blame, I thought. I have to instruct it to relax instead of clench during sex. I’ve learned this about it. That’s how I learned to enjoy sex. Enjoyment doesn’t just happen without conscious effort on my part. So my body wasn’t relaxing properly. It was too accustomed to seizing up, and it was making the sex painful for itself.
I have to suffer through certain things to receive the benefit of human connection. In order to feel bonded to someone, I must endure the pain they bring me. I wanted to be intimate with him. I had no right to complain if he hurt my body, because I let him in.
But my body just knows the pain. That same pain when others stole and damaged her without any permission. My body doesn’t think he’s any different. I don’t know how to reassure her. I sacrificed her for his comfort. I betrayed her. I don’t deserve her trust. I can’t protect her. I failed.
I was scared of what it meant if I said anything. Would it mean I revoked consent? All sexual activity must cease with all due haste? Would I be withdrawing from certain aspects of the relationship? Would I earn his ire and contempt? I didn’t want to ruin anything for me or him. And given the uncertainty of the possible consequences before me, I became mute. Frozen in fear. My most familiar and comfortable response.
Blue for boys and pink for girls,
Blushing red elephants and donkeys singing blues.
My capacity to love excludes neither side,
Blending identities into a cocktail of self.
Royal lineage destined for greatness,
Downfall through madness and cruelty.
Draped in colors steeped in culture,
Symbols call forth a foreign legacy.
Lavender hues relax the mind,
Stretch to exhaustion and find respite.
Inhale the scent of validation,
Lungs filled with peace and clarity at last.
Masculine strength and feminine wiles,
Flexing mastery over binary categoricals.
Suffused sexuality overflowing,
Rainbow spectrum tumbling fluidly.
Definitions undecided and pursuing worth,
Rejection’s blows echo through time.
Familial loss crumbling beneath you,
Stand on my head to feel stable.
Mulberry wine with amethyst skies,
Drunk on love and newfound desire.
Female spirit in the body of a man,
Encrust my heart with precious gems.
Snuggled and cozy,
Tightly squeezed all around.
Fresh tortillas from the griddle,
Hidden treasures bedded within.
Endless variations,
Joy dances on the palette.
Peppers blended to taste,
Flavors kick up a sweat.
Wrapped in his arms,
Comfort food on his lips.
Sweet words and savory touch,
Burrito boy serving love.
Parts of her in you urge me to flee,
Shrines of her memory reside within.
You worshiped a god that left you,
Yet you prefer delusions to faithlessness.
Grasping at an angel’s hem,
Pleading her for salvation.
Recover the soul shards given away freely,
No consideration for a devil’s bargain.
You learned her ways and let it mold you,
Devoted your life’s purpose to her will.
Can’t offer to me what’s given away,
Empty gaps filled by voids.
Fortune in the form of a cat,
Slink into your life to bestow a gift.
Pounce and kill those who hurt you,
Licking wounds with her scratchy tongue.
Let me bat away your worries,
Listen to my purrs instead.
Dig my claws into your chest,
Massage the aching heart beneath.
Show me care and I’ll teach you,
How to see and feel the divine.
Love me and feed your spirit,
That energy that lingers after death.
Cats choose their humans,
Only our bodies can be held captive.
Make us happy to bring luck,
The bounties of fulfillment await.
Maybe you’re just a pretty lie,
But your shape keeps me warm at night.
Even delusions help internally stabilize,
But collisions with reality can be fatal.
Imagine your presence here,
I’m not alone with these thoughts.
My protector’s with me in bed,
The predators circle from a distance.
Honeyed words spark suspicion,
Reminiscent of the devil’s deceits.
Her taint still lingers on you,
Clouded aura opaque as mud.
Future dreams remain a guidepost,
Domestic bliss awaits us.
Curtained by the present,
Bold caution moving forward.
Chiu on This 