Shine (poem)

Poetry

The world tells you to shine brighter,
Share your light with all around you.
Not until you’re attacked do you realize,
You’ve been making yourself a target.

Monsters don’t just live in the shadows,
Day-walkers prowl for prey everywhere.
Jealous gazes suppress your talents,
Believe them and know you have nothing.

Major failures have failed to stop you,
Your heroes watch to catch you stumble.
This world defies your very existence,
Camouflage hides your contributions.

Death without acceptance,
But simply unacceptable for who you are.
Star unburned by the atmosphere,
Feel the fires of human contempt instead.

Fragile Man (poem)

Poetry

He’s attracted when you’re vulnerable,
And repelled when you’re strong.
He loves it when you’re crying,
Stab you and give you a hug.

The glass man wears judicial robes,
Shattered into pieces by his own gavel.
Shards of self to use as bait,
While a collage would be more pleasing.

Resentful lamprey seeking vengeance,
Prowling the ocean’s floors.
For sick wounded bleeding creatures,
Sharks are not the only predators.

Rejecting attitudes of masculinity,
Denies him of flesh and bone.
He’ll graft himself into your body,
Poison your mind with his own.

Leave (poem – to the battered and abused)

Poetry

When they’re willing to hurt you,
Rather than heal themselves.
Minimize and avoid and dodge,
Hate themselves and treat you the same.

Receive all the blame for pain,
Become Christ’s sacrificial flesh.
Pinned up on his wall like a butterfly,
Only admirable to them if you’re dead.

Vampiric presence drains my blood,
Young maiden prized for her beauty.
Offering tenderness and pierced by fangs,
Fooled by her bleeding foolish heart.

Waging a crusade against you,
Holy war to destroy your sense of self.
Love yourself enough to leave,
Cleanse yourself of the father’s sins.

Painful Sex (short story)

Prose

We were in a long-distance relationship. He was visiting for five days. I wanted to give him fun, sexy memories for his return. So when the sex hurt, I said nothing.

He was pushing it in too far, too hard. It was too rough. My body is to blame, I thought. I have to instruct it to relax instead of clench during sex. I’ve learned this about it. That’s how I learned to enjoy sex. Enjoyment doesn’t just happen without conscious effort on my part. So my body wasn’t relaxing properly. It was too accustomed to seizing up, and it was making the sex painful for itself.

I have to suffer through certain things to receive the benefit of human connection. In order to feel bonded to someone, I must endure the pain they bring me. I wanted to be intimate with him. I had no right to complain if he hurt my body, because I let him in.

But my body just knows the pain. That same pain when others stole and damaged her without any permission. My body doesn’t think he’s any different. I don’t know how to reassure her. I sacrificed her for his comfort. I betrayed her. I don’t deserve her trust. I can’t protect her. I failed.

I was scared of what it meant if I said anything. Would it mean I revoked consent? All sexual activity must cease with all due haste? Would I be withdrawing from certain aspects of the relationship? Would I earn his ire and contempt? I didn’t want to ruin anything for me or him. And given the uncertainty of the possible consequences before me, I became mute. Frozen in fear. My most familiar and comfortable response.

Nostos (poem)

Poetry

When my tongue reached out,
Sought sweetness from the honeysuckles.
Rewarded for my bravery,
Exploration of my solitude.

Roses claim a wheelbarrow,
Rusty gates kept nothing out.
Breathing in your absence,
Your thorn hidden under scars.

Destined for greater,
Whittle away childish days.
Become a hero who can rescue,
Bury the dead upon return.

Accolades and triumphs to the legend,
History’s pages know you well.
Find the lost love left behind,
Warrior’s longing put to rest at last.

Intimidating (poem)

Poetry

My mind inspires fear,
My eyes cut through your skin.
You detest me instinctively,
Your flaws swell in my presence.

Forced into isolation,
Spurned at every turn.
Every word I speak is screeching,
They call me a shrill banshee.

Admiration from afar,
Dare not ever approach.
Imagining sharp teeth in my mouth,
Phantom bites cause resentment.

Social death sentence rendered,
Too intense to be accepted.
Forced to extremes against her will,
Executed at the border.

Bed (short story)

Prose

She always dreaded bedtime. They were emboldened by the cover of darkness. They always knew when she was most alone and vulnerable. They knew to strike during the times when no help was available.

She would delay the inevitable in the ways she could, but nothing ever worked. She hated brushing her teeth. She refused to change into pajamas. She wore her daytime outfit to bed, armored in her defiant act of rebellion. But that never deterred the monsters.

She slept, open and exposed, on the altar for her impending sacrifice. Try as she might to fight the night, the exhaustion nonetheless soaked into her bones. She urged herself to remain wary and vigilant, but no one ever came to relieve her from her night-watching duties.

Life became a dream. The nightmares crept into reality. She listened to the blackness breathe, and felt its rhythm pulsing in her chest.

She squinted into the shadows, too fearful to call out. Scared of what might answer. But she knew they were watching. They were waiting for her to drop her guard.

They’d take her for the night, and she’d wake up the next morning, chilled by the wetness of the sheets. She could feel bruises that the mirror couldn’t see. She bled without being cut. There was something inside her that she couldn’t purge.

No one noticed until her belly began to swell. Clutching her abdominal bulge, silent tears betrayed her pain.

“Tummy hurts.”

Doctors were nonplussed. Their tests and experiments revealed nothing. Their recommendation? More bed rest.

The monsters smiled.

Her skin erupted in rashes. The poison was bubbling out. Her organs grew sick. Eventually, they ruptured.

She woke up in an unfamiliar bed. The uniformed woman bustling around her was not her mother. Machinery chirped and beeped, a foreign tongue to translate comfort.

Cool skin touched her forehead, hellfire beneath its surface. Screams trapped but inescapable. But under the kindly gaze of this strange nurse, she allowed herself to sleep.

But the monsters were in the hospital. They came during visiting hours, wearing human skin. She watched in horror, seeing them dressed in their disguises. Behind their gifts of flowers and balloons, their blackened teeth grinned with menace. Their eyes were most telling; cold plastic buttons plugged into the socket.

Her mattress was stuffed with their nourishment. They fed on her terror. Her vitality was being sapped, but no one could discern the cause.

Wasted and skeletal, her world became small. Confined to her bed, trapped in their den. Her restraints were her body. She couldn’t make it obey.

She shrank and became listless, and the monsters grew stronger. Her eyes retreated into her skull. Turned up towards the heavens, rejecting visions of reality.

They attached strings to her limbs and thrust stilts into her flesh. Propped up like a puppet, they stuffed her skin bag with pillows. Sometimes her soul leaked out, so they sewed up all her holes. They draped her in blankets to hide her corpse.

They tore out her vocal cords to string their instruments. Her long fingernails scratched the grime off their backs. Percussive teeth were extracted and shaken: a macabre orchestral arrangement, symphonic and haunting.

Flossing with her hair and sponging off with her body, she became a washrag stained with their sins. They painted her face with her blood and vomit. Her rotting stench was masked by floral potions. They pressed beads into her eyes, polished and reflecting the viewer.

See yourself in the eyes of a decaying girl. Preen yourself and comb your hair. Wipe your dirt on her cheek. Harvest her parts. Present her on a platform. Swallowed up by her bed, her humanity becomes inscrutable.

Her bones are the frame, clothed in a skirt. Her head’s just a board, flat and uncomplicated. Rest on her form, lay yourself to sleep. Embraced in her arms, enveloped in her sorrow. Comfort yourself in her misery.

Take turns with the monsters, allow yourself some fun. Take her for a ride. But when you cooperate in her destruction, make no mistake: the rapes in her bed will follow you too.

Letter to Young Me

Prose

If you feel like other people are selfish and lacking empathy, you are correct. People like us do human development backwards. Before we can develop our own ego, we must build our empathy and ability to cast ourselves into the minds of others. It’s how we survived.

But when the time comes, when that danger is behind you, you can focus on developing your ego. You will learn to be selfish while others are still figuring out how to be selfless. You’ll be building yourself from scratch, while it appears everyone else is already complete.

Will I ever stop feeling different? You must have wondered that a million times. You will never be like most people. You will always be a minority. That’s a state of existence you must accept about yourself. But you aren’t destined to be existentially alone. In that elusive intersection between you and other people, when your paths to development overlap and intersect, you can feel connection so powerful it will make your soul soar. But you must seek it. Such treasures do not hide in plain view.

You are special, young me. You are a treasure. Many will want to plunder you, but some will want to cherish you. Such is our blessing and curse.

It’s a strange, liminal place to be. Being able to relate to almost everyone but pretty much no one can relate to you.

Seen (poem)

Poetry

Eyes turned away,
In fear or disgust.
Affirmation of my taint,
My poisoned existence.

Battered by life,
Abused by the best.
Reality’s brutalities,
Harden on my skin.

Truth in pills,
Tough to swallow.
Medication overdose,
Prone minds and emotions.

Reflecting the hurt,
Wounds and scars unseen.
Dare to meet my eyes,
Lift my invisibility.

Hell (poem)

Poetry

Singed by hellfire,
Phoenix spirit.
Forged from brimstone,
Carved from demons.

Liquid magma,
Deep core earth.
Raised by evil,
Devil’s laughter.

Learn their cackle,
Battle cry.
Defiant rebellion,
Insidious plot.

Tortured souls,
Trapped in prison.
Newborn babe,
Eternal suffering.

Demonic ribs,
Skeletal structure.
Macabre dance,
Ghoulish rattle.

Eyes are turned,
Slip away.
Hide those horns,
Don human skin.

Fly ever higher,
Roost for the night.
Look down on creation,
Extinguish its flames.